@charliedelta7

My 4yo: Dad, you’re old, right?

Me: I’m not that old.

4: You’re not new.

Me: Go to bed.

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@MattTheBrand

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

@AnkCoupleTO

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

@tigersgoroooar

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

@GoodZiIIa

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

@markydoodoo

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

@nuttywhippet

There’s a job in the paper for a park litter attendant. Experience is not necessary, you just pick it up as you go along.

@plumbur

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

@pixelatedboat

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

@KattsDogma

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am