TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My 4yo: Dad, you’re old, right?
Me: I’m not that old.
4: You’re not new.
Me: Go to bed.
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dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
There’s a job in the paper for a park litter attendant. Experience is not necessary, you just pick it up as you go along.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am