I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
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My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
If only
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools