Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
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Not my job 😂
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Message from the dog groomers
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
$4 #usedbooks
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.