My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
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The game has officially changed 😎
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Autocorrect is my menesis
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?