my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
HOW DARE YOU
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.