My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
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Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
yes… yes…
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.