My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
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*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
i will not be silenced
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!