Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
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After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Proud of myself. I only ate 1 brownie today.
I mean, it was cut up into 8 very large pieces and took up the whole pan but yeah, 1 brownie.
Due to the quarantine I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
*knock knock* whos there? sir theres been an accident. theres been an accident who?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.