@pro_worrier_

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

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@KWalps

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

@junejuly12

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

@Marlebean

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

@3sunzzz

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

@wickedsuga

Proud of myself. I only ate 1 brownie today.

I mean, it was cut up into 8 very large pieces and took up the whole pan but yeah, 1 brownie.

@Ryanfc706

Due to the quarantine I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

@MNateShyamalan

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

@MelKassel

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

@fucpk

*knock knock* whos there? sir theres been an accident. theres been an accident who?

@fillthevacuum

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.