My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
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[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Good Morning.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
#winning
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.