It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
You Might Also Like
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
“What do missiles, camels, and common fetishes have in common?”
“Out. Just get out.”