@pro_worrier_

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

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@Bexdora

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

@awkwardphilippe

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

@HiddenPinky

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

@zacharyflynn

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

@Norsebysw

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

@h2_eh

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

@AndyAsAdjective

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

@Sickayduh

BATMAN: I am the guardian of the night
SPIDERMAN: With great power comes great responsibility
CATWOMAN: Guys, help, I’m stuck in a tree

@LindaInDisguise

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

@MarfSalvador

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*