@theDanLawler
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
@pro_worrier_
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
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@theDanLawler
@jonnysun
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
@TheSweetestD_
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
@IndecisiveJones
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
@fro_vo
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
@Reverend_Scott
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
@shutupmay
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
@UncleDuke1969
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
@aotakeo
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
@Tharin_P
“What do missiles, camels, and common fetishes have in common?”
“…What?”
” -Toes.”
“Out. Just get out.”