My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

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imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”


My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.


Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too


I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?



Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.


Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.



Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word


“What do missiles, camels, and common fetishes have in common?”
” -Toes.”
“Out. Just get out.”