My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
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You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.