Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
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“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”