@Manda_like_wine: My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, "I don't want Santa to see me when I poo."
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@TheToddWilliams: [NASCAR Press Conference] REPORTER: What's your race strategy? DRIVER: Fast circles
@TheBoydP: [God making sausages] Angel: What's next? God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing *1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
@_NoOneYouKnow__: Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party! Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell? *phone chimes* [Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight! Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
@i_theindian: Lovers decided to commit suicide. The boy jumped first. The girl did not. From that day, started the concept of...Ladies First. @Laugh_Riot