Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
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Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Cop: know y I pulled u over?
Wife: to invite me to the state trooper’s ball?
Cop: state troopers don’t have balls
Cop: drive safe
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.