@Manda_like_wine

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

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@ManJuggs

Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.

@NurseMurderer

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

@WeissBrandon

Cop: know y I pulled u over?
Wife: to invite me to the state trooper’s ball?
Cop: state troopers don’t have balls
Me: BAHAHA
Cop: drive safe

@TheAndrewNadeau

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.

@notacroc

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

@wendchymes

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

@OwensDamien

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.