My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
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This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
? 💀
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks