@Manda_like_wine

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

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@HomeProbably

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

@iheartgunts

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

@elle91

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

@MrSpoonicorn

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

@kibblesmith

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

@CulturedRuffian

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

@NJPsychDoc

My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.

@ShanaRose21

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

@videodante

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”