My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
You Might Also Like
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).