My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
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Check your privilege
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State