@TheCatWhisprer

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

You Might Also Like

@pleatedjeans

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

@BoomBoomBetty

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

@Reverend_Scott

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

@myonlymizztake

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

@BadJordon

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

@david8hughes

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

@thenatewolf

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

@tomwalkerisgood

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick