[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
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I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick