My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
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Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied