My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
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Am I having a stroke?
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.