@Cain_Unable

My 4yo just said “Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media? Isn’t it just inherently dishonest & indicative of an inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves?”

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@laurajaylovette

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

@Shenaniglenns

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

@brennadine

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

@markhoppus

The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

@primawesome

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

@KimmyMonte

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

@aka_fatman

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

@allisonjp

When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.