Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My 4yo just said “Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media? Isn’t it just inherently dishonest & indicative of an inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves?”
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You look like a snack:
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises
You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.