I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
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Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.