My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
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We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
The struggle is real.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places