My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

You Might Also Like


I will not think of sex at church
I will not think of sex at church
I will not.

Priest: Which leads us to his Second Coming

Me: Goddammit!


ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle


[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need


Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.


St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.


Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.


Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?


Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.