@pilau

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

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@Twtercide

I will not think of sex at church
I will not think of sex at church
I will not.

Priest: Which leads us to his Second Coming

Me: Goddammit!

@ArfMeasures

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

@moooooog35

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

@thcmoonmvn

Condoms dont really guarantee full protection during sex. A friend of mine was wearing one and he got shot by the girls boyfriend.

@MarcusTheToken

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

@22_Minutes

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

@ArfMeasures

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

@sexncake

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.