My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
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*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.