@lmegordon

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

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@realHamOnWry

I think if we leave a bunch of cell phones in the forest, eventually Big Foot will be tempted to take a selfie.

@badAzz_mom

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

@Jenn_H_Scott

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

@elle91

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

@causticbob

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

@sgrstk

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

@UnFitz

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

@schumoo

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

@ddsmidt

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.