My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
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5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*