My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
You Might Also Like
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.