My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

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DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*


“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows


being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen


*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me


dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
me: Are you crying?


Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.


My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!


If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?


dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?