My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
You Might Also Like
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.