My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
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My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
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My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore