My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
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*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after