Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
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If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.