My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
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Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I hate everything
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to