My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
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I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.