My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
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Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit