My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
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bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I remember when things only cost an arm.