[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
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My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”