@U_Want_Shum_M8

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

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@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

@perolikewyd

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

@sageboggs

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

@pittdave13

Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?

@brendanmcginley

Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.

@Jandalize

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

@KeetPotato

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”