My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
True
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.