Me: it should be called a “some of the things” bagel.
Cashier: because it doesn’t have raisins, or cinnamon?
Me: I was going to say because it doesn’t have love but holy shit man
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
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OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Me: IDK why I’m so down lately. Maybe this is an indication that I need to reevaluate the priorities or figure out how to make meaning in my life
My friends: The moon is weird right now
Me: Yeah nevermind it’s definitely because the moon is weird right now
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy