[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
You Might Also Like
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
liiiiiiiiike
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger