My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.