My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
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me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.