My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
You Might Also Like
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Ha
idk what he going thru but i feel him
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
*gets down on one knee*
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”