[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
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11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
They did not miss in the small print
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios