My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I am also baked goods
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.