were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Facebook memories be like
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.