Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!
Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
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My first day as a cat burglar,
Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
9: What’s mom gonna be?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
My leg brushed against the toilet in a Starbucks bathroom. Goodbye leg. You were a good leg.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car