@OctopusCaveman

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

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@ArfMeasures

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

@DaddyJew

My first day as a cat burglar,

Victim: you know you don’t actually have to dress up like a cat when you do this

Me: *hisses

@Skoog

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

@iwearaonesie

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

@The_Law_Boy

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

@BeeeejEsq

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

@GrantTanaka

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

@sammyrhodes

My leg brushed against the toilet in a Starbucks bathroom. Goodbye leg. You were a good leg.

@hardlyrelevant

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

@jonnysun

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no