My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
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“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
what’s the point then??
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but