My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards