My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
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The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.