My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
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“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
😆this is so true
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever