My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
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My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I am never leaving this website
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.