I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
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I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”