My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
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I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
no one ever comes back
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
sir, my pâté if you please
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
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i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.