she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
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Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Bed should get ready for ME
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Ferrari squats
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say