“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
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don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
😂😂😂
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”