CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
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[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*