My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

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Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.


Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT


As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.


Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.


I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.


People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.


im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!


wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af


Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.