My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
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Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Tough love is true love
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath