@FatherWithTwins

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

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@Nikkeya08

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

@buck4itt

Don’t email me a link to a 6 minute youtube video. I wouldn’t watch a video that long if in contained clues to solve my own murder.

@jackiembouvier

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

@portmanteauface

I’ve traveled for business enough that I’ve memorized the takeoff sequence of your standard commercial aircraft, so I like to yell “WHEELS UP!” about two seconds before I know that’s going to happen just to make the other passengers nervous that I provided a helpful reminder

@Cpin42

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

@Book_Krazy

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

@jonnysun

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad