My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

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{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”


Don’t email me a link to a 6 minute youtube video. I wouldn’t watch a video that long if in contained clues to solve my own murder.


Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.


I’ve traveled for business enough that I’ve memorized the takeoff sequence of your standard commercial aircraft, so I like to yell “WHEELS UP!” about two seconds before I know that’s going to happen just to make the other passengers nervous that I provided a helpful reminder


My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.


If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.


i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad