My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
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If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.