My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
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It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception