My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
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Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….