@SnarkyMommy78

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

You Might Also Like

@Travon

So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we’re still in the top 10.

@minkpinkustink

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

@EmmyStar79

I dunno, I think Kim Jung Un’s surgeon did a killer job.

@AVenezuelan19

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

@Steve_hamiltin

We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played

@abbycohenwl

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

@TheHyyyype

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

@ObscureGent

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

@LaziestCanine

*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*