*erases 1 and writes 0 on the ‘days without incident’ chart at Earl’s Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
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Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Let’s play hide and sex. I mean seek. Damn it. Seek. Unless you’re okay with hide and sex. I’ll meet you in the hall closet in one minute.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Sprinklers are just little heads looking around for their friends but they can’t find them so they cry
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid