My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

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*erases 1 and writes 0 on the ‘days without incident’ chart at Earl’s Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*


Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.


Let’s play hide and sex. I mean seek. Damn it. Seek. Unless you’re okay with hide and sex. I’ll meet you in the hall closet in one minute.


me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones


Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes


Sprinklers are just little heads looking around for their friends but they can’t find them so they cry


When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.


SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid