@TheCatWhisprer

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

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@hippieswordfish

*erases 1 and writes 0 on the ‘days without incident’ chart at Earl’s Discount Stilts and Ceiling Fans*

@gorrdano

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

@MongooseMayhem

Let’s play hide and sex. I mean seek. Damn it. Seek. Unless you’re okay with hide and sex. I’ll meet you in the hall closet in one minute.

@Browtweaten

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

@aissalanis

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

@MrGynosaur

Sprinklers are just little heads looking around for their friends but they can’t find them so they cry

@cramoska

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

@actioncookbook

SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid