My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Dishonest mechanic?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
This is why I hate group projects
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.