My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
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ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”