@TheCatWhisprer

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

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@DaddyJew

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

@ilovepie84

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

@G_Faylor

[whispers in your ear] how did I get inside this ear?

@mollzbenn

The same friends who used to pressure me as a teen to drink & do drugs now pressure me as an adult to eat chia seeds & do crossfit.

@Home_Halfway

People ask me what I’m really into these days. I tell them “debt.”

@KrunkedRobot

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

@Tbone7219

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

@laurenmacdonald

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.